Beware of False Metal

There’s an awful lot of music around that claims to be metal. This stuff is often noisy, tuneless crap and nothing like real metal. Real metal – whether lighter melodic NWOBHM or super heavy black metal – still features musical qualities. After all, these are sounds created by musicians and behind the distorted guitars everything can be expressed on the musical stave.

But much of the noise pedalled by kiddy rag Kerrang and MTV these days is not just devoid of artistic merit – it’s just not metal. Unfortunately many of the eejits making this racket seem unaware that they are as metal as The Jonas Brothers. For their education and yours I present the following guide to knowing whether you are metal or not.

You are not metal if…

  • You need more than six strings to write a heavy guitar riff
  • You have more than one drummer
  • You don’t like Iron Maiden
  • Any of your songs are about how your parents don’t understand you
  • Your musical sub-ghetto contains the word “core”
  • You are an American1
  • You enjoy anything “musical” that rhymes with “Nemo” – eg “Screamo” “Emo” etc.
  • Any of your videos feature the corridor of a US high school
  • You don’t write riffs, preferring to strum the four chords you know through a Dual Rectifier running at full chat
  • You win Kerrang readers polls
  • You think record decks are musical instruments and employ a band member to “scratch” with them
  • Your videos appear on the ironically named MTV Rocks
  • You laughably believe your noisy pop shit is “punk rock”
  • Your noisy pop shit actually is “punk rock”
  • Your number of tattoos or piercings exceed your decent songs, these trophies must be earned
  • A member of your band is employed to make beep beep noises on a tiny keyboard, yet still leaps around like he’s creating the most powerful of riffs
  • You think the floyd rose bridge and the wah pedal are a legitimate alternatives to being able to play the guitar (aka Kirk Hammett syndrome)
  • You make the devil’s horns with your thumbs out

Do not fear dear reader. Despite these many false bands peddling music they believe to be metal there are still true members of the faith travelling the world and bringing real music to the masses. From the softest to the blackest of metal – real music still exists. While there are still Celts, Saxons and Vikings creating awesome metal – while the likes of Steve Harris and Johan Hegg live and breath – there will be a powerful opposition to the false profits of non-metal.

1I know this is perhaps a contentious issue but let’s think about it. You may argue that America has produced many fine metal bands. Just look at Metallica, you say. I agree – just look at Metallica. Does that really seem like a metal band, really? Does James Hetfield strike you as a man who really loves his metal? The truth is that there used to be heavy metal bands from America, but no more. Metal ended in America the day Ronnie James Dio died. He was the conduit, he was the mighty bridge between the true source of metal and the USA. He was the only metal American ever born, a messiah of the true musical form. When he replaced that useless overrated sot Ozzy in Black Sabbath he formed a powerful bridge between the awesome original true metal source of Tony Iommi and Geezer Butler and the US. In the process Ozzy was stripped of his metal power and thus became a massive “stadium rock” icon in the USA. Black Sabbath’s power was transferred and magnified by the awesome Dio – and became a power so strong that it shined into the hearts of other Americans. The result being we saw the rise of real metal bands in the USA. But Dio’s tragic passing has left the USA without that power and thus the best the nation has to offer these days is what has become of Metallica and the likes of Trivium, God help us. There is not just an absence of metal in the US, the nation actually is flooded with the power of anti-metal. So you can take a Danish man thoroughly schooled in metal and place him in a US group, say as their drummer, and he will ultimately become a no-metal talentless annoying gimp in very short order.